Easy Mission: I Should Have Stayed Home and Watched Drowsy Hollow
by sudoku
Summary: The day the Chitauri tried to invade New York was the most terrible day … for the Chitauri. This was the story of one of the Chitauri who thought he should have stayed home and watched TV as he planned to.


Thanks to the awesome Irish Brigid for betaing this story for me.

**Warning:** Violence and some language. Spoilers for The Avengers and minor spoilers for Guardians of the Galaxy.

**Disclaimer:** Any shows and characters you recognize don't belong to me.

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><p>It was supposed to be an easy mission. At least Thanos led us to believe so. He said, "Follow that Asgardian, Loki. He is a trickster and he knows magic. He should lead you well for a battle on Earth against those weak mortals. You should be done by dinner time with some time to spare to pick up some spoils from Earth."<p>

Our first mistake was that we shouldn't have trusted Thanos. That guy's hobby was destroying planets. I mean, it was fine and dandy to want multiverse domination. All self-respecting leaders did. However, that guy didn't separate business from pleasure. Destroying planets should be his job, not his hobby. That meant he didn't properly relax and tended to have horrible judgment. At least, that's what my therapist told me. But Thanos wouldn't hear anything from someone he asked to fight, we were not to think and I valued my head.

The second mistake was, of course, we shouldn't have trusted Loki. For Thanos's sake, he betrayed Asgard, then Jotun, then Asgard again, or was it Jotun again. See, it was really hard to keep track with so many betrayals. Someone really needed to draw a proper graph or perhaps ten for Loki's changes of motivation. Besides, he was defeated by Thor. What made Thanos think that Thor wouldn't beat Loki again? Best case if Loki won, I was sure Chitauri Healthcare and Benefit was not at the top of Loki's list. It really was a lose-lose situation for the Chitauri, but of course our welfare was not Thanos's priority either. Damn us for our hive mind and our fear of Thanos!

Third, but not least important for me, the day of the attack would actually be the day of the premiere of my long awaited show, "Drowsy Hollow" with a new actor to play Inkabout Shane with his new badass female partner Snappy Wills. I could of course record it but it was not the same.

And we hadn't even reached Earth.

This morning, before we waited at the hole for Loki to open the portal, I had made sure Lamee checked whether "Drowsy Hollow" could be recorded properly. You never know with technology, especially the cheap ones made in Niflheim. Well, I couldn't afford a more expensive one with my salary.

We waited for ages for Loki to open the portal. Asgardians or Jotuns and their need for drama.

Finally the portal opened so we came through by droves to Earth. I couldn't really blame my colleagues as they didn't travel much to other realms. I let them through first. I really didn't mind being the cavalry. Less chance of damage to me personally that way.

When I reached Earth, I was shocked to see we were shot at. I mean, I actually expected that but the bullets they used were not normal bullets we expected from humans. _What, we are not total idiots, we research the weapons used by our future enemies_. Anyway, someone in a red costume flew around and shot neutron beams at us. I would totally kill whoever did the research on humans and their weapons _when_, or now most likely _if_, I got back. The research never mentioned flying humans with repulsors and neutron beams. There was no time for that as I keep dodging the beams shot by that red man.

I saw that my colleagues didn't do any better. One human female managed to hijack one of our flyers and weapons. She flew around and shot at us. Major embarrassment indeed.

My colleagues on the ground didn't do any better. There was this guy in a bright costume who kept using a disk-like shield to hit them. This guy was fit but he couldn't fly like the man in red but he still did major damage. I really wonder what Chitauri bodies were made of that we could easily be damaged by a plain shield. Perhaps our bones were brittle. I would think of who to blame if I was not busy dodging those damn neutron beams.

There was also another guy perched on a building who had never ending exploding arrows. He shot at our flyers. Exploding arrows! OK, I would definitely maim then kill our research guy if I managed to return home as he mentioned there were only normal arrows on Earth.

Those were only the humans. There was of course Thor. Well, when there was Loki, there would be Thor. Thor actually used his hammer to create lightning to attack us.

Our research guy also forgot to tell us that Earth also had a big, strong, green monster who could swat our Leviathans like they were mosquitoes. Our research and development really need to develop proper war vehicles. I think these Earthlings would mock us given our lame troops, weapons, and vehicles. Well, better be alive and mocked than dead.

I was really getting tired of being shot at by the red man. I couldn't shoot back because I dropped my weapon when I panicked. Well, I was the one telling you the story so I didn't really need to do it in order. In fact, I don't need to tell you anything if I don't want to. So pretend that you didn't read this paragraph.

I got a break when suddenly the red man flew toward a speeding rocket. What surprised me more was that he actually caught the rocket and directed it toward the portal. That guy must be suicidal. What was his purpose in doing so?

I got the answer five seconds later when I heard the explosion. I believed that to be our mother ship. Oh crap!

What was even worse was the portal was closing fast. That meant no communication link for us. Bye-bye cruel world. My last thoughts before the portal closed was I really should have listened to my instincts and called in sick so that I could watch "Drowsy Hollow," then "Damn Loki!"

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><p><strong>Note:<strong>

Please tell me what you think.


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